When Should You Step In to Help Your Parents?...

They may brush off your offers, so search out their true needs A parent may ask for the occasional favor, but most won’t ask for help around the house or with their daily activities, even when they need it, says Alberta Chokshi, a social worker and director of quality improvement for Benjamin Rose Institute on Aging. Chokshi, who has been working with families for 40 years, says that instead of seeking help, it’s typical for elderly parents to adapt and adjust their activities and routines. They do household chores more slowly (or not at all). They may use adaptive devices, such as a cane or a reacher or a magnifying glass. Perhaps they’ve lined up someone to pick them up for errands and appointments. And — often just to please their children — they will wear a medical alert bracelet or necklace. What Our Parents Don’t Admit But they usually aren’t admitting — especially to their adult children — that they tend to drop heavy pots, trip on the basement steps, are confused about when to take their medications or back into things with the car. They don’t think it’s any of their kids’ business. Or, they are in denial about what’s going on. Try To See The Big Picture Denial isn’t all on the parents’ side. Adult children are often deep in it, too. They don’t want to admit that a parent is declining and needs help. They may resist accepting that familial roles are starting to reverse and that they need to step in, either helping a parent themselves or lining up support. If you’re guilty of denial, it’s time for you to take a hard look around for the telltale signs that things aren’t going well...

8 Things Not to Say to Your Aging Parents...

Unintended barbs cut to the quick and can’t be taken back. Here are some better options.  I’m going to say something politically incorrect here: Sometimes our elderly parents make us a little nuts. (And sometimes they out-and-out drive us crazy.) We love you, Mom and Dad, but we’ve heard the story about Aunt Cissy pouring wine in the dog’s bowl so many times we can tell it ourselves — in our sleep. The repetitions, the forgetfulness, the incessant asking whether we’d like a sandwich: Eventually it just happens, and out of our well-meaning mouths tumble snarky comments and insults that we really don’t mean but they … just … slip … out. “Seniors often know that their memory and cognitive and physical abilities are declining, and reminders are only hurtful,” says Francine Lederer, a psychotherapist in Los Angeles who works with “sandwich generation” patients and their parents. But even when we manage to hold our tongue, frustration lingers. That’s when we have to be doubly mindful, because by repressing those emotions, we’re more likely to have an emotional outburst. “You might be justifiably annoyed,” Lederer says, “but take a step back and consider how your parent must feel as she faces her diminished capacities.” When people first start “slipping,” they are aware of the loss, and they are often terrified, scared and saddened. Since forewarned is forearmed, here are eight common things we often catch ourselves saying plus suggestions for less hurtful ways to say them. “How can you not remember that!?” That lengthy discussion you had last week with your dad about getting the car inspected might as well never have happened. Seniors often lose short-term memory before long-term and forget all kinds of things we think are...

When and How to Coax Your Parent to Move Closer...

If you’re wondering whether a faraway mom or dad should relocate closer to you, these tips can help Eight years ago, my dad moved to a tiny town in New Mexico after nearly four decades in New York City. Then an active 73-year-old retiree, he yearned for a taste of mythic Southwest living, four acres and a dog. But what seemed like an almost exotic locale when my husband and I first visited him (“Look, a tumbleweed!”) is now a growing source of worry and expense for my family as well as for my brother and his wife. There are no direct flights to my father’s area from our homes in New York and Connecticut, so it’s an 11-hour schlep. It costs about $1,200 for my husband, son and me to fly there, so it’s not like we can afford to just pop in whenever Dad needs us. Can Dad Still Manage to Live By Himself? On top of that, my father is now 81 and moving more slowly. He’s generally healthy, but when I visited him last fall, I was concerned about whether he could still take care of the house and yard and manage the two-hour drives to the nearest VA center for his medical checkups. (He’s a Korean War veteran.) My brother and I and our spouses have batted around the idea of moving Dad back East, but it’s hard to persuade a guy who’s (knock wood) still self-sufficient and happy where he is. Heck, he’s producing a local play as we speak. Apparently, however, we should try. And soon. Jean Levin, executive director of Caring From a Distance, a nonprofit in Washington, D.C., that connects caregivers with resources, says this is actually the ideal time...

5 Steps to Combat and Prevent Elder Abuse...

What a new federal report recommends to curb this scourge Not long ago, my aunt, who is in her 80s, was the victim of financial exploitation by an in-home health aide. It started with trips to the drugstore and small loans. Before long, the caregiver was regularly taking my aunt and her credit card to department stores to purchase clothes and other items — not for my aunt. Eventually, a clerk noticed what was going on and alerted security and our family. By then, however, my aunt was out hundreds, possibly thousands of dollars. No charges were filed, but the caregiver was dismissed. According to The Elder Justice Roadmap, a report just released by the U.S. Department of Justice and the Department of Health and Human Services, my aunt is one of 5 million Americans affected by some form of elder abuse each year (physical or mental abuse, neglect or financial exploitation). Most families, like ours, don’t report such abuses to authorities; only one in 24 do, according to the study. A Widespread Problem The Elder Justice Roadmap is intended to help people and organizations recognize, prevent and address the abuse and exploitation of older adults. One in every 10 people over 60 who lives at home suffers some form of abuse, neglect or exploitation, the report says. Those with dementia are far more likely to be abused or neglected by caregivers. Contrary to popular belief, older adults are more likely to suffer abuse at the hands of their own family members than by a paid caregiver, according to Laura Mosqueda, a geriatrician and director of the National Center on Elder Abuse at University of California Irvine who served on the Elder Justice Roadmap steering committee. Family caregiver abuse...

Building a Network to Look Out for Your Parents...

From neighbors to relatives to the pizza delivery woman, it’s critical to have people looking out for a parent who’s aging in place If you’re looking out for a parent in declining health who continues to live alone, and who resides more than an hour’s drive away, consider yourself a long-distance caregiver. It’s a hard role to fill alone, but an informal network of eyes and ears can provide crucial aid. These supporters can be neighbors, friends, parishioners, even a mail carrier or the pizza delivery person. Predictability can make it easier to keep track of a parent’s activities, and to tell quickly if something is wrong, says Carol Bradley Bursack, author of Minding Our Elders (McCleery and Sons, 2005). When you’re on the scene, commit some time to following your parent’s routines and seeing who they interact with daily or weekly. Identify and get to know those people, who could become part of your network. If, for example, your mother goes to the bank every Monday morning, her regular teller may take notice if she doesn’t come in one day. Next time you have the opportunity, accompany your mother to the bank, meet the teller, and consider giving him or her your phone number. Your efforts shouldn’t be a secret from your parent. “Explain that it’s for safety, and that they’re not intruding, just checking on her,” says Gail Hunt, president and chief executive of the National Alliance for Caregiving in Bethesda, Md. These strategies can help as well: Find out who delivers to your parent. Anyone who makes regular deliveries to your parent, like a mail carrier, paperboy or supermarket carrier, is a potential source of help. If these people notice mail and newspapers piling up, or...

Why Now Is the Time to Leave Guilt Behind...

You need to take care of yourself when caring for someone else Nothing’s more important than family and friends, right? Few disagree, and we cherish the people we can depend on. In fact, you may be one of those people: When something goes wrong and a relative or pal needs you, you’re there, no questions asked. While that’s a great trait, it can come at a steep price: your health. In fact, it could be that one of the biggest risks to your health isn’t backed-up arteries or sky-high blood sugar, but something that’s usually associated with Freud and your mom: Guilt. If you’re so focused on being there for everyone else, there’s a good chance you’re not spending enough time prioritizing your own health. Dr. Jordan Metzl, author of The Exercise Cure and a sports medicine doctor at New York’s Hospital for Special Surgery, puts it this way to his patients: “If you’re taking care of everybody else, are you taking care of yourself? People in their 40s, 50s, and 60s have often dedicated their whole adult lives to taking care of others, and sometimes neglected their own health.” Regular workouts — hard to fit in under the best of circumstances — are one of the first things to go when you put others first, says Jennifer Huberty, an associate professor in the School of Nutrition and Health Promotion/Exercise and Wellness at Arizona State University. Huberty sees it all the time with the midlife women she works with in Fit Minded, the book club-based program she created to encourage physical activity. “I hear a lot, ‘I have to go home and feed my family.’ That’s baloney,” says Huberty. “Nobody’s going to die if you eat dinner at 6...

What to Know About Caregiving By 50, 60 and 70...

Essential tips for taking care of loved ones as they age If you are taking care of a loved one, you know that your challenges change as their health changes. You may also be anticipating your own needs for care as you grow older. Here are some tips to help you get prepared: What to Know By: Age 50 You may already be involved in caregiving for a spouse or parent. We want to provide care out of love and loyalty, but practical matters arise quickly and come to the fore. You’ve probably heard about what caregiving costs and pondered whether you will need to or be able to help your parents financially. Here are a few more things you may want to know about caregiving by the time you are 50. Have the difficult conversations. How do your parents want to live as they become more frail, and what plan do they have to make that happen? Finding out is key to your ability to help them. [ For more information, go to theconversationproject.org.] Get involved. Advocate for your parents and work for changes you want to see. For instance, would a change in social policy allow for a better nursing home experience for your mom or dad? Should workplaces better support caregivers? Provide support. Know how much care costs, and also consider other kinds of support. Think about housing, emotional support, and companionship. Age 60 Consider new ways of living. Knowing what your parents went through can provide motivation for planning ahead for how you want to live, whether that’s aging in place or finding like-minded people with whom to form a community. Care for yourself. Caregivers need support, too. It’s critical to find ways to take...

When Should You Seek More Family Help?...

Primary caregivers may need to call in the cavalry. Here’s what to do. If you are like most caregivers, the tasks and responsibilities that come with caring for an aging parent or loved one — running errands, odd jobs around the house, transportation to social events or doctor’s appointments, paying bills, being on call 24/7 — creep up on you as the person’s health and well-being change over time. It’s important to step back frequently and think about those changes and what they mean. One of the most significant pieces to watch is behavior. Bonnie Paul, a social worker for the Benjamin Rose Institute on Aging, has specialized in family counseling and community education for more than 20 years. She describes a typical scenario that should raise a red flag: “They aren’t just forgetting things. There’s significant cognitive change, and it’s causing them to make bad financial decisions. Or bring people into the house who shouldn’t be there. Or say things that really hurt you emotionally.” That kind of behavior is a major indicator that it’s probably time for you — the primary caregiver — to involve other family members in the loved one’s care. Another major indicator is your stress level, as indicated by things like: Changes in your weight Feeling blah, blue, depressed or anxious “all the time” Angry outbursts “for what seems like no reason at all” Forgetfulness “due to juggling too much” Letting your own house and health go “because you just don’t have time for them” Decreased family time or socialization “because you are just too tired” The important thing to remember, says Paul, is that the need for help with care has nothing to do your caregiving. “Things have progressed to the point...