Why Are You Tired All The Time?...

The source of pervasive exhaustion and what to do about it Although she typically sleeps soundly and has good “sleep hygiene” — no coffee after 3 p.m., a quiet, darkened bedroom and a reasonable bedtime — Rose D. always feels tired. At 54, she slogs through her workday, hitting a wall in late afternoon when she closes the door to her office, lays her head on her desk and catches a 30-minute nap. When her doctor gave her a clean bill of health, he suggested that Rose consider other factors that might account for her tiredness — the stressors in her life such as financial problems and a contentious relationship with her sister. As it turns out, they were weighing heavily on her and manifesting in a deep sense of exhaustion. While the benefits of a good night’s sleep are well documented, chronic and more ambiguous tiredness afflicts millions of people over 50. Their fatigue isn’t caused by illness, medication or any clearly diagnosable condition. It’s borne instead of leading complex emotional and psychological lives in a world fraught with stressors. At a stage in life where typical concerns such as money, children, illness and loss start to move toward center stage, the first cognizance of one’s mortality and a sense of time running out fuel an out-of-control feeling that can zap your energy. “Exhaustion is the expression not just of a lack of sleep, but a much more profound underlying response to the conditions in which we live,” says New York clinical psychologist Michele Berdy, whose clientele includes many in their 50s and 60s. Running At Full Tilt Economics and technology add to the fatigue cocktail. While one’s 50s and 60s were traditionally a time to slow down...

5 Secrets to Transform Your Experience of Aging...

They’ll help you shift from a sense of loss to a sense of gain My 15-year-old son Evan walked off the tennis court triumphantly, as if he had just won the U.S. Open. Up to that point, our matches had always ended in a tie: I made sure of that or, rather, I could make sure of that. Now, toweling off while feeling an unfamiliar tug on my heart, I said to him, “Hey, Ev, did you ever wonder why the score always remained the same in our tennis matches over the years?” Then, in a suggestive whisper, I continued: “Maybe you could continue that trend — gracefully?” He didn’t respond, but I knew his answer. And it was deafening. Walking back to the car, I was consumed by the thought that my relationship with Evan (and with my life generally) was clearly at a crossroads. Staying positive as I aged would require letting go of capacities that were diminishing and embracing ones that were expanding. Easy transition? No! Gratifying? Mostly! Here are five secrets I’ve learned along the way that helped turn my experience of aging from a sense of loss into a sense of gain: Learn to accept what is. There is no end to the expanding benefits of embracing life on its own terms. If I hadn’t accepted my inevitable decline in physical acuity — the awareness of which began on the tennis court that day — it would have led to nothing but suffering. Instead, by refocusing my attention on supporting, even celebrating, my son’s physical ascension from boy to early manhood, I was able to walk away from “defeat” feeling relatively good. This mindset shift allowed me to interpret the situation, and many others...

Why and When Denial Is Good For Caregivers...

Temporarily ignoring a problem might make it easier to manage The ever-witty author Delia Ephron recently wowed a mostly female boomer audience at the Motion Picture & Television Fund’s Women’s Conference making the crowd laugh with spot-on stories about skipping cab rides to afford a blowout for her unruly hair and wondering why kale is the new wonder food. But the mood turned more somber as she spoke of her late sister, the noted author, screenwriter and film director, Nora Ephron. The two were extremely close, not just as sisters but also as writing partners for films such as When Harry Met Sally and Hanging Up. “When Nora became ill, she told very few people,” Ephron said to the hushed crowd. Her sister didn’t want a flood of sympathy for her losing battle with leukemia or to spend her last months entertaining the mourners — those who come to dwell on your soon-to-be exit. Delia became part of a small circle who cared for Nora, emotionally if not physically, in the last months of her life. Part of that caregiving role was to keep her sister’s diagnosis under wraps. Even though Delia knew the truth, she found herself embracing the canard. Some days, she was able to forget Nora was ill. When Denial Is Healthy When caring for an older parent, ailing spouse or sibling struggling with a devastating diagnosis, denial is often a place caregivers dwell. They may be driven there because they feel overwhelmed or angry, or because they don’t understand “medical speak” and want to tune out. And while an initial state of denial is neither uncommon nor unhealthy, according to Dr. Ira Byock, a leading palliative care physician and author of Dying Well, it’s not...

6 Ways You Can Help a Friend Who is Sick...

Suggestions that let you be present and make a difference Boomers pride ourselves on our ability to handle anything that comes our way, but there’s one thing many of us aren’t prepared for: when friends in our age group get life-threatening diseases. This inescapable front-row seat to a friend’s suffering — and recognition of our own aging — are happening now and will continue for the rest of our lives. While our friendships in the past might have included vacations, gym sessions and social events, the scenario changes significantly when, for example, a friend is undergoing chemotherapy or another serious treatment. She may be housebound with no energy for outings, unable to drive or even sit at a movie. We want to be helpful, but we’re often unsure about what we can do. Plenty, it turns out. Here are six specific, kind, and helpful acts to aid a friend who is suffering: Don’t ask; do. We’re an independent generation and many of us hate being dependent. So take the initiative to be useful. Cook a meal or two your friend can eat and bring it over. Offer to run an errand or take her to the doctor or sit with her for treatment. She’ll appreciate those types of things. Pay extra attention to your sick friend. Call often, even if you just leave a message. Be sure your friend knows you will stick with him or her no matter what. Because, it turns out, some friends disappear when another gets sick, probably because they don’t know how to handle the situation or what to do. Don’t be one of those who vanish. Be there for your loved one. Visit, and don’t come empty-handed. My local grocery’s floral department will...

Help Parents Avoid Unwanted Medical Treatment...

A study shows older adults aren’t getting the care they want at life’s end A new poll shows that almost one in four older Americans — approximately 25 million people — experience excessive or unwanted medical treatment. This is especially true in the last year and very last days of life. During their final 24 to 48 hours, many terminally ill patients go to the hospital and receive treatments that don’t improve quality of life, says Daniel Wilson, national and federal programs director for Compassion & Choices, a nonprofit end-of-life advocacy organization. In fact, a person’s last days in the hospital are often “more traumatic than peaceful,” he says. Why, when 70 percent of us say we want to die at home, are we so often dying in the hospital? Several factors are driving the trend. A main issue is cultural discomfort with death and dying. “In America, we avoid these conversations,” says Wilson. A Need to Start Talking A 2012 survey  conducted by the California HealthCare Foundation found that 60 percent of respondents feel it is “extremely important” that their families not be burdened by tough decisions about their end of life care. Yet, 56 percent of those surveyed had not communicated their end-of-life wishes with their families. Anxiety about death also keeps people from talking openly with their doctors, leaving patients with incomplete or false information about many palliative care and end-of-life alternatives that would keep them out of the hospital in their last days. “This is your body, your health,” says Wilson. “You need to have the comfort level with your doctor.” If you don’t feel comfortable asking questions and having these types of conversations with your healthcare practitioner, he says, it might be time to...

When Should You Push For a Geriatric Assessment?...

Taking a team approach can net the best results for your parents Navigating the maze of eldercare options can be challenging. A geriatric assessment can help you figure out the level of care your loved one needs. “The phrase geriatric assessment is a bit confusing,” says Norbert “Bert” Rahl , director of mental health services at the Benjamin Rose Institute on Aging. Sometimes an assessment looks at just one issue that’s causing problems for a loved one. For instance: If you are concerned about your mother’s physical status, the medications she is taking or how she is (or isn’t) managing a chronic condition, a physical assessment may be in order. If your father has mobility issues and you’re worried about how well he is (or isn’t ) getting around on his own, he may need a functional assessment. If you are worried about the psychological and emotional well-being of your loved one, a mental health assessment could be helpful. If your aging relative is displaying issues with memory, decision making and financial management skills, a cognitive assessment should be scheduled. Or, to get the whole-person “picture” of what’s going on, Rahl suggests a comprehensive assessment, which looks at all those things and how they are interacting and overlapping in your older loved one’s life. A comprehensive assessment could be coordinated by your loved one’s primary care physician. However, since these assessments require the skills and expertise of a team of specialists, they are best coordinated by a geriatrician: a physician who has trained and specialized in the care and treatment of older adults. Ask for a referral from the primary care physician or click here to find a geriatrician in your area. Who’s On Your Team? The composition of...

Grief in The Workplace

When employees view death differently As an employee, what happens when we experience a personal loss, yet life necessitates us to go to work everyday even when we are still in shock, need to take care of personal affairs and are not emotionally stable? And to complicate the situation even further, what happens when your co-workers and management team view death differently than you do? As grievers and employers unite on the subject of grief entering the workplace, an ultimate tug-of-war occurs: addressing the grievers needs while the employer ultimately struggles to create a fair environment for all employees and maintain business as usual for clients. As employees we are drawn together in the workplace by our career choice, talents and work ethic. For the most part, our family allegiances, ethnic and religious beliefs are generally left in the parking lot or at the front door. Nevertheless, when a family death occurs, these beliefs permeate the workplace as the employee begins the healing process and the co-workers try to provide comfort. An entirely different scenario arises when the death is that of an employee – the reaction of co-workers, management team and Human Resources personnel are confronted emotionally in an environment that is all too often ill-prepared. The notion of creating compassionate workplaces that support loss of life goes well beyond companies’ bereavement leave policies, which typically include providing personal time off and supporting an employee returning to work after a loss. A compassionate workplace must also take into account 1) an employee’s unique way of grieving; 2) his/her religious/cultural affiliation; and 3) the nature of the relationship with the deceased. Recently a company asked me to provide support to employees who experienced a sudden loss of a co-worker. Apparently,...

How Sharing a Life Story Helps Dementia Caregivers...

Conveying personal info lets others connect with your loved one One day while I was volunteering at a local adult day care, we had a new visitor who was confused and very unhappy that her daughter had left her there with us. She was agitated and was trying to leave. Luckily, when they first arrived, her daughter had handed us a one-page life story about her mother who had dementia. After reading it, I was able to more easily connect with the lady. Sharing Your Knowledge As we discussed her career as a teacher, her agitation slipped away and we ended up having a very nice conversation. Without that knowledge, things would have been more difficult for both of us. If you’re the primary caregiver of a person with dementia, you know your loved one’s likes and dislikes. You can read their moods. You know their routines and the people in their world. Nobody can care for them the same way you do. But the act of sharing your loved one’s life story empowers others to better understand his or her traits, to connect and to provide better dementia care. In turn, you receive peace of mind when you take time for yourself. A Different Reality The reality of a person with dementia often slips into a past era of their life. For instance, it may be typical for the person to prepare for work each morning as they did for many years. Or they might start preparing to send their children off to school although their kids are fully grown and have left the nest. When the people around them don’t understand this different reality, they often struggle to accept what seems like strange behavior. They may even...