Put “The Conversation” on Your Calendar Soon...

The conversations about what we would like at our end-of-life are so avoidable … and so important. Anyone who has been through the experience of being with a loved for their final months, weeks, and days know how very difficult and emotional this can be. One type of experience leaves a feeling that a loved one having died a “good death”, living life on their terms, surrounded by loved ones and with a sense of peace. The other experience can be when there have been medical heroics and the loved one had no quality-of-life. They may not have had any of the aspects of life that make life worth living. In these cases, there can be a sense it was a “bad death”, with a lingering sense of sadness and guilt for the survivors. The difference between these experiences can be having had “the conversation” about end-of-life choices. During my lifetime, I have had the honor of being a part of this process with loved ones a number of times. Recently I heard that one of our very elderly cousins was in the midst of her transition. I was able to be there with her and her daughter as she passed away very peacefully. In talking to her daughter, I saw how beautifully her family had listened to their mother and honored her wishes for how she wanted to live her last days here on earth. My cousin had been on a feeding tube because of the danger of choking but this was not the way she wanted to live. When all three of her adult children were in town, they had the conversation with her, exploring the medical options, and how that would change how she could live....

Cards That Offer Better Words for a Serious Illness...

Their cancer-survivor maker knows the pain of kind but hurtful sentiments If you have ever had cancer or another serious illness, you can probably make a long list of unhelpful things that friends, family and well-meaning acquaintances have said to you. “Everything happens for a reason.” “I read about this miraculous new treatment on the Internet!” “Oh, I knew someone who had that same thing and they died.” Emily McDowell, a cancer survivor, has heard them all. In response, the Los Angeles graphic designer came up with a set of eight “Empathy Cards” to be used when traditional “get well” cards just don’t work. She launched them this week. Another set is due out in December, she told NPR’s Ina Jaffe in an interview. A Terrifying Diagnosis McDowell learned 15 years ago, at age 24, that she had Stage 3 Hodgkin’s lymphoma, a cancer of the lymphatic system. “The most difficult part of my illness wasn’t losing my hair, or being erroneously called ‘sir’ by Starbucks baristas, or sickness from chemo,” she said on her company’s website. “It was the loneliness and isolation I felt when many of my close friends and family members disappeared because they didn’t know what to say, or said the absolute wrong thing without realizing it.” Among the potentially offensive comments: referring to cancer as “a journey.” “With time and distance, some people do come tothat conclusion on their own that this … feels like a journey,” McDowell told NPR. “But a lot of people really feel like ‘If this is a journey, I’d like my ticket refunded,’ or ‘This is a journey to hell and back.’ ” Coming Up Empty To be fair, it is hard to know what to say. When we...

Skype – Connecting with Loved Ones on the Internet...

Skype is such a wonderful way to connect worldwide From Wikipedia’s article on Skype: As of February 2012, there were 34 million concurrently online on Skype; at the end of 2010, there were over 660 million worldwide users with an average of over 100 million active each month. Skype was acquired by Microsoft in May 2011 for $8.5 billion. Microsoft’s Skype division headquarters are in Luxembourg, but most of the development team and 44% of the overall employees of the division are still situated in Tallinn and Tartu, Estonia (that country where beautiful lace shawls come from). But, what does that mean to you? And, how do you use it? Join us for learning how to use this wonderful tool. Seven Lessons in Setting Up and Using Skype Lesson 1: Does Your Computer Have What it Needs for Skype Length: 2:00 Lesson 2: Installing the Skype Software  Length: 3:40 Lesson 3: Setting up a Skype Account  Length: 3:55 Lesson 4: Launching Skype from the Desktop Length: 3:02   Lesson 5: Creating a Contact List on Skype Length: 2:43 Lesson 6: Making a Call on Skype Length: 3:57 Lesson 7: The Factors and Ways to Communicate on Skype Length: 4:19 Have fun with YouTube, and be sure to check out our YouTube site. Authors: Linda Marsolek and Lise Pellerin © 2015 Designing Brighter Tomorrows, Inc. This site is for information only, and is for your voluntary use at your own risk. See Terms of...

When Should You Push For a Geriatric Assessment?...

Taking a team approach can net the best results for your parents Navigating the maze of eldercare options can be challenging. A geriatric assessment can help you figure out the level of care your loved one needs. “The phrase geriatric assessment is a bit confusing,” says Norbert “Bert” Rahl , director of mental health services at the Benjamin Rose Institute on Aging. Sometimes an assessment looks at just one issue that’s causing problems for a loved one. For instance: If you are concerned about your mother’s physical status, the medications she is taking or how she is (or isn’t) managing a chronic condition, a physical assessment may be in order. If your father has mobility issues and you’re worried about how well he is (or isn’t ) getting around on his own, he may need a functional assessment. If you are worried about the psychological and emotional well-being of your loved one, a mental health assessment could be helpful. If your aging relative is displaying issues with memory, decision making and financial management skills, a cognitive assessment should be scheduled. Or, to get the whole-person “picture” of what’s going on, Rahl suggests a comprehensive assessment, which looks at all those things and how they are interacting and overlapping in your older loved one’s life. A comprehensive assessment could be coordinated by your loved one’s primary care physician. However, since these assessments require the skills and expertise of a team of specialists, they are best coordinated by a geriatrician: a physician who has trained and specialized in the care and treatment of older adults. Ask for a referral from the primary care physician or click here to find a geriatrician in your area. Who’s On Your Team? The composition of...

8 Things Not to Say to Your Aging Parents...

Unintended barbs cut to the quick and can’t be taken back. Here are some better options.  I’m going to say something politically incorrect here: Sometimes our elderly parents make us a little nuts. (And sometimes they out-and-out drive us crazy.) We love you, Mom and Dad, but we’ve heard the story about Aunt Cissy pouring wine in the dog’s bowl so many times we can tell it ourselves — in our sleep. The repetitions, the forgetfulness, the incessant asking whether we’d like a sandwich: Eventually it just happens, and out of our well-meaning mouths tumble snarky comments and insults that we really don’t mean but they … just … slip … out. “Seniors often know that their memory and cognitive and physical abilities are declining, and reminders are only hurtful,” says Francine Lederer, a psychotherapist in Los Angeles who works with “sandwich generation” patients and their parents. But even when we manage to hold our tongue, frustration lingers. That’s when we have to be doubly mindful, because by repressing those emotions, we’re more likely to have an emotional outburst. “You might be justifiably annoyed,” Lederer says, “but take a step back and consider how your parent must feel as she faces her diminished capacities.” When people first start “slipping,” they are aware of the loss, and they are often terrified, scared and saddened. Since forewarned is forearmed, here are eight common things we often catch ourselves saying plus suggestions for less hurtful ways to say them. “How can you not remember that!?” That lengthy discussion you had last week with your dad about getting the car inspected might as well never have happened. Seniors often lose short-term memory before long-term and forget all kinds of things we think are...

How to Fall in Love With Your Spouse All Over Again...

Experts and couples reveal five secrets of successful long-term relationships Last month my daughter got married. During the ceremony, she and her husband gazed at each other adoringly and joy seemed to exude from every pore in their bodies. I found myself wondering, Have any two people ever been so in love? Even as I squeezed the hand of my darling husband of 32 years, I felt as if I could never have been as much in love with him as my daughter was with her man on their wedding day. Or maybe, I mused, love just looks more radiant on young faces. Could love possibly have a shelf life? Does it have “planned obsolescence,” like modern technology? So I did a little research. What I learned boils down to this: Even a marriage that’s about to smash up against the rocks (barring physical or emotional abuse or criminal acts) can tack its way back into calm and pleasant waters. We’re not just talking about doing damage control. “It’s almost never too late to start the process of falling in love all over again,” says James Córdova, Ph.D., chair of Clark University’s psychology department and head of Clark’s Center for Couples & Family Research. Taking Too Much for Granted “One of the things that happens in long-term marriages is that the demands of everyday life steal our attention away from our partners — and paying attention to the other is crucial for happy relationships,” Córdova says. This lack of focus on your spouse slowly unravels the fabric of a solid relationship. Sometimes the disintegration happens over a number of years, during which the couple exist in a kind of emotional limbo. Córdova notes that, statistically, it takes couples up...

8 Things Your Aging Parents Want You to Know...

As they get older, they often need to get some long-held things off their chest “I felt guilty every day of my life that I was able to have children and Lilly wasn’t,” my 80-year-old mother confided, quietly, more than a little choked up. Lilly was Mom’s older, much beloved cousin whose lack of offspring had always been a matter of whispered speculation among the relatives of my generation. There was talk of a botched abortion, something that would have been positively scandalous in 1940. Even when “the kids” grew up, it would not have been divulged. My mother wasn’t revealing a family secret. It wasn’t the reason for Lilly’s childless state that was troubling her. She was sharing with me a feeling that had haunted her for decades. What could I say that would be helpful? I pondered that a moment before I opened my mouth. I said what I knew to be true: “You adored Lilly. All of us kids loved her, too. I’m sure she knew how much you cared about her.” For our elderly parents, “getting their house in order” often involves more than consulting with a tax attorney or an estate planner, says Ken Druck, author of The Real Rules of Life. As people age, many reach a stage where they are no longer concerned that we will judge them, so they confide feelings that remained unvoiced for years. “There comes a point where they feel intimate enough with us as adults that they can share unknown truths about their emotional lives,” Druck says. Seeing Parents in a New Light These conversations have the potential to help us see our parents in a new light and forge a deeper connection with them. The trick, of...

9 Steps to Communicating Better...

The older we get, the more important it is to build and foster good relationships with other people. Being social and making new friends is important, since this part of life can bring about many changes in who is in your life. Communicating with others is very important for keeping your brain sharp, in addition to helping your relationships. It is also important to remember that with all the life experiences that you’ve had, you have a lot to offer to others. Being isolated can often spiral into depression and stress, which is why surrounding yourself with familiar, trustworthy friends and loved ones can be a key to staying happy and healthy. One of the best ways to nurture relationships is by learning how to communicate properly. How many friendships fall apart because of a simple misunderstanding or lapse in communication? Have you ever felt like you have misunderstood someone or like someone misunderstood you? The next time you have an issue or something you’d like to address with someone, follow these simple steps to help you communicate clearly. Right Place, Right Time There is a right time and a right place for everything, including conversations. When talking about heavier subjects, or discussing sensitive topics, pick a quiet, private place. Respect the person you are conversing with by giving them the privacy they deserve. The best time to communicate with someone is in the morning or early afternoon. If someone’s had a long, stressful day, having a conversation in the evening may not be the wisest of choices. H.A.L.T. A great way to see if you’re in the right state of mind for a conversation is by using the H.A.L.T. method. H.A.L.T. stands for hungry, angry, lonely or tired,...