A parent may
ask for the occasional favor, but most won’t ask for help around the house or with their daily activities, even when they need it, says Alberta Chokshi, a social worker and director of quality improvement for Benjamin Rose Institute on Aging.
Chokshi, who has been working with families for 40 years, says that instead of seeking help, it’s typical for elderly parents to adapt and adjust their activities and routines.
They do household chores more slowly (or not at all). They may use adaptive devices, such as a cane or a reacher or a magnifying glass. Perhaps they’ve lined up someone to pick them up for errands and appointments. And — often just to please their children — they will wear a medical alert bracelet or necklace.
What Our Parents Don’t Admit
But they usually aren’t admitting — especially to their adult children — that they tend to drop heavy pots, trip on the basement steps, are confused about when to take their medications or back into things with the car.
They don’t think it’s any of their kids’ business. Or, they are in denial about what’s going on.
Try To See The Big Picture
Denial isn’t all on the parents’ side. Adult children are often deep in it, too. They don’t want to admit that a parent is declining and needs help. They may resist accepting that familial roles are starting to reverse and that they need to step in, either helping a parent themselves or lining up support.
If you’re guilty of denial, it’s time for you to take a hard look around for the telltale signs that things aren’t going well for a parent or loved one.
Don’t just look for safety and health troubles, Chokshi advises. Look for things that could point to problems with how a parent is functioning on a daily basis, and also check on whether companionship and socialization needs are being met. Try to check out the whole physical, emotional and psychological picture.
Also, look for indicators that your parent’s spiritual needs are being met. Many older adults have had very strong and active affiliations with their religious organizations and it’s important for them to keep those up.
What To Look For
The following are incidents/situations/observations to be on the lookout for and, where appropriate, question a parent about:
Keep in mind that some problems could be due to an illness or be related to medications being taken (or not taken). So, sometimes a visit to the doctor is a good first step in assessing needs.
Another scenario to be aware of when self-care and other habits change — it could indicate the onset of Alzheimer’s or a related dementia. If a parent is diagnosed with dementia, adult children need to be more watchful, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they have to step in with help right at that moment.
Navigating the maze of eldercare options can be challenging.
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